what’s bad? u decide…
is it the bomb blast that killed 5 or is it the “mushta’ill awaam”, the arsonists that put a rasturant on fire, a couple of cars & a bus + killed 6…

reference: Recent suicidal-bomb-blast in Gulshan-e-Iqbal, Karachi (30th May, 2005)

what’s in a name? .. i tell you what’s in a name..
this morning (just as any other morning) i got on to the bus to get to my workplace. the “condector” asked me for the fare…and questioned, “kahan jana hae?”, i said “Defence”, hearing this he deducted 8 straight out of my Rs.10 bill.

the guy sitting next to me was asked the same, and for “kahan jana hae?”, he said “Akhter Colony” (this is defence in general & Akhter Colony to be specific bus-stop name where I would be getting off too), and the “condector” sahab deducted Rs. 7 for him… laeving me thinking I paid and extra buck because i said “Defence”. just the difference of name for the same bus-stop. and this is how you’r being treated… heh…

we’ve moved to the new place at work… it’ll take a little while to get used to this new environment… it’s of course a sudden change… i cant play music loudly… as i used to. morover the difference of tastes that is totally different from the left to right, makes it even difficult to play something with a sense of freedom. and of course.. we have to be a bit more concious and formal as oppose to our very informal style we had back there at our previous place

but i think i’ll still manage to live… as long as i can listen to music (be it slow)… all else can be ignored.

now playing: Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer

I’ve recently finished reading this novel By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho.

It was a nice lovey dovey sort. and of course a lot of stuff to ponder upon.

Specially the following few paras which I’ve been reading again and again… pondering and thinking about them.

1
…have paid a conciderable price for the little I have gained. …been forced to deny myself many things I’ve wanted, to abandon so many roads that were open to me. … sacrificed my dreams in the name of a larger dream — a peaceful soul. …didn’t want to give up that peace.

2
The gods throw the dice, and they don’t ask whether we want to be in the game or not. They don’t care if when you go, you leave behind a lover, a home, a career, or a dream. The gods don’t care whether you have it all, whether it seems that your every desire can be met through hard work and persistance. The gods don’t want to know about your plans and your hopes. Somewhere they’re throwing the dice — and you are chosen. From then on, winning or losing is only a question of luck.

3
…been in love before. It’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.

But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.

i dont know what’s happening… but for quite a few weeks, i’ve realized i’m feeling too lonesome… and day by day this feeling is getting even more intense… i wonder why…

…and sometimes i have this feeling that i need somebody to share all my sorrows, my aggravation and tensions. Sharing happiness seems less problematic… it’s not really a big deal… that’s what i feel sometimes…

i wanna get rid of all this tension i had to experience lately… life has never been this tough on me… i’m way to dependant on someone else’s  deeds.. that’s one of the worst realizations i’ve ever had… it’s making me feel so miserable… i’m doin all this efforts for nothing (or for really a great cause) i dont know..  all i know that yes.. it is life .. that we live for others… we do everything for others.. but i dont know if it has to be the way i’m goin through it…

one other worst feeling amongst all is the lack of time spent on me by me.

i hate to think that maybe i’m just drowning that inner me… the day-dreamer… a frequent flyer to fantasy land… i don wanna lose myself… i’m getting farther away from myself… i wonder whats gonna happen… maybe i’d just die… the inner me… the day-dreamer… i hate it.. i don wanna think abt it… i hope things get better..

listening to this sweet serene instrumentals by Adnan Sami Khan in his music album Abstract. its so soothing.. i wish i could just lay down and keep listening to this music.. traveling to my fantasy land… forgetting all the bitterness of this world… the bitterness that is absorbing into me…

seems like everything is changing… it’s getting tougher than ever before… life’s slipping out of hands… making me feel less urged and concerned about taking control of any or everything…

the connectedness is killing me… making me reballious… but i wanna keep hold of myself… afterall i will go through all this… the difficult path… everything around seems conspiring against me, my will…

now listening to Powerless by josh + nelly furtado … and it sounds so true… i feel so powerless:

Powerless (Say What You Want)

Paint my face in your magazines
Make it look whiter than it seems
Paint me over with your dreams
Shove away my ethnicity
Burn every notion that I may have a flame inside to fight
And say just what is on my mind
Without offending your might

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

I saw her face outside today
Weatherworn, looking all the rage
They took her passion and her gaze and made a poster
Now it¡¦s moccasins we sport
We take the culture and contort
Perhaps only to distort what we are hiding

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don¡¦t fit in, how ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo

Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

I’ve been lookin for this poem for quite a while. I knew it was posted on Faiza Bhati’s website, but the URL that I had for her website was givin me 404. Fortunately I got the correct URL from her Orkut profile… anyhow… ever since i read this one, it’s touched me… and i would like to put it up here…

بچپن

بچپن کے دکھ کتنے اچھے ہوتے تھے
تب تو صرف کھلونے ٹوٹا کرتے تھے

وہ خوشیاں بھی کیسی خوشیاں تھیں
تتلی کے پر نوچ کے اچھلا کرتے تھے

پاوں مار کے خود بارش کے پانی میں
اپنی کشتی آپ ڈبویا کرتے تھے

اب سوچیں تو چوٹ سی پڑتی ہے دل پر
آپ بنا کر آپ گھروندے توڑا کرتے تھے

چھوٹے تھے تو مکر و فریب بھی چھوٹے تھے
دانہ ڈال کر چڑیا پکڑا کرتے تھے

اپنے جل جانے کا احساس نہ تھ
جلتے ہوے شعلوں کو چھیڑا کرتے تھے

خوشبو کے اڑتے ہی کیوں مرجھایا پھول
کتنے بھولےپن سے پوچھا کرتے تھے

آج وہی تعبیریں لہو رلاتی ہیں
بچپن میں جو سپنے دیکھا کرتے تھے

اب تو آنسو بھی رسوا کر جاتا ہے
بچپن میں جی بھر رویا کرتے تھے

banner #1

Dimensions: 150 x 350

Filename: Banner1.gif

HTML Code:
<a href="http://www.cityfm89.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.cityfm89.com/images/Banner1.gif" width="150" height="350" alt="City FM 89 - We're Playing Your Song!" border="0" /></a>

Preview:

banner #2

Dimensions: 96 x 180

Filename: Banner2.gif

HTML Code:
<a href="http://www.cityfm89.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.cityfm89.com/cityfm89web/images/Banner2.gif" width="96" height="180" alt="City FM 89 - We're Playing Your Song!" border="0" /></a>

Preview:

banner #3

Dimensions: 170 x 170

Filename: Banner3.gif

HTML Code:
<a href="http://www.cityfm89.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.cityfm89.com/cityfm89web/images/Banner3.gif" width="170" height="170" alt="City FM 89 - We're Playing Your Song!" border="0" /></a>

Preview:

banner #4

Dimensions: 120 x 60

Filename: Banner3.gif

HTML Code:
<a href="http://www.cityfm89.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.cityfm89.com/cityfm89web/images/Banner4.gif" width="120" height="60" alt="City FM 89 - We're Playing Your Song!" border="0" /></a>

Preview:

Following is the code for any banner size, just need to change the Banner file name (choices: Banner1.gif, Banner2.gif, Banner3.gif and Banner4.gif) and no need to worry about the dimensions, they’ll adjest accordingly.

Dimensions: Any

Filename(in this case): Banner4.gif

HTML Code:
<a href="http://www.cityfm89.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.cityfm89.com/cityfm89web/images/Banner4.gif" width="120" height="60" alt="City FM 89 - We're Playing Your Song!" border="0" /></a>

Preview: